i’m so tired

i’m tired of crying. i’m tired of getting hurt.

and it seems like i’m tired of loving him.

its just all too much already. i’ve already talked to him about a zillion times about that habit of his, and all my lectures doesn’t seem to come through to him.

i love him. and i know that he loves me too, but… will he just give me a fucking break?

i mean, i’m so tired of hearing sorry from him and then he keeps doing it again and again. i’m so tired of getting worried for him. i’m so tired of being forgiving all the time. i’m so tired of being so damn kind to him.

i have given him everything that he wants. everything that he needs. i’ve devoted my time for him. alam ko, kahit kelan, hindi ako nagkulang sa kanya.

but why does he keep doing this to me? is this what i get for loving him too much? getting myself hurt?

maybe i expect too much from him. its not my fault. he built promises around me that made me feel secure. but when the walls of his promises broke down, somehow, i’ve lost a part of my love for him that i can’t seem to get back. now i don’t know what i feel anymore. i don’t know if i still love him and if i’m still ready to commit to him.

i’m just so tired of crying. i want to be happy again. 

EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE 

Oddly enough, before i ever met him, i’ve made some standards for the man that i want. i want someone mature. someone responsible. someone who keeps his promises. someone who can control their vices.

But the guy (i don’t think he can be called a man, with the way that he is acting) i’m with for 16 months now is the complete opposite of my standards! he acts so immature sometimes, and very irresponsible too (though he acts responsible sometimes towards his family) he never keeps all his promises (he only keeps some of them) and he can NEVER EVER control his vices. he smokes everyday. (well, i do too.) and he drinks like there’s no tomorrow! he doesn’t even know what he’s doing when he’s drunk that ’s why i always get worried! but being the understanding girlfriend that i am, i let him be a guy and do what guys do - be stupid.

but i just can’t take anymore drinking!!!

LOVE 

Ok, so the word “love” is a strong word. when you say that you love a person, you must prove it to that person, and to every one around you. 

i have proven to him just how much i love him, and how much i’m ready to give everything up for him. he’s done that too.

but why do we keep on having an on-off relationship?

bwiset kasi mga bisyong yan.

i don’t know if its right to love him still after all the shit he put me through. i’ve never cried this hard in my entire life till i met him. i’ve never been this sad and disappointed till i met him.

in other words, i’ve been living a life of hell when he came into my life.

but the stupid part is - i don’t want him to go away.